Dear Asshole,

Dear Asshole down the street who tried to kick my dog,

There are several things about this interaction that I would like you to know….

1. Please do not interpret my calmness and the simple uttering of, “She’s not a biter,” to mean that I understand your issue.
2. You’ll notice my 80lb dog sitting calming on the sideway with me waiting for you to control your 1lb rat.
3. You’ll notice that when YOUR dog/rat started a fight, I calming removed my dog and put her behind me.
4. You should notice that YOUR dog/rat continued to fight.

If and when this happens again, you should know a few things. My parents raised a lady, but the politeness will not continue. Also, if you attempt to kick my dog again I will punch you, kick you while you’re down, and drop kick your dog/rat across the street.

Scout’s Momma

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve been this mad!

Yet, people want to ban large dogs, and specifically my dog (Rott Mix) because they are too violent.  Never mind that small dogs are known to be generally more vicious…….onward with the stupidity I guess we shall go!

I’m Not Always A Bitch, It’s Just My Face

Today is a very special day for me.  16 years ago, today was Easter Sunday, and our dog Whisper was born.  Here’s wishing the happiest of Spring birthdays to our very special, old girl!

Happiest of Birthdays to this sweet pupster today!

Happiest of Birthdays to this sweet pupster today!

Alright, so in the interest of full disclosure, I’m sometimes a HUGE bitch. It’s not always in that cute, bratty sort of way either.  I can go full on Queen of the Damned style, eat you alive, bitch when the mood strikes. I have a low tolerance for idiots, and sometimes I just can’t keep myself in check. It takes a lot to make me rage, but if you get there, you had best stay out of my way!  I promise that 95% of the time, I look bitchier than I’m feeling. I have the privilege of processing a bone structure/eyebrow arch combo that gives off a general air of unapproachability. My check bones also makes me look a bit like Pocahontas when I wear bandanas…but that’s just too random to talk about really.

Behold, Mother Bitch Face and her her glorious husband!  #relationshipgoals

Behold, the Queen Mother of Bitchy Resting Face girls and her glorious husband! #relationshipgoals  Even a smiling Posh Spice looks a bit scary.

My Momma tells me often that I tend to look serious and stern. Frankly, she could just the phrase resting bitch face, but alas, she has a more lady like vocabulary than I possess. Although I must admit, I don’t understand the bitch face phenomenon. I can’t help it that I look serious if I’m not cheesing it up.  It’s not like anyone else runs around smiling all the time…we would all look like idiots! Can you imagine a world where everyone was just smiling to avoid looking like a bitch? Think of the wrinkles people! This brings me to one of my favorite memes ever!

My life much money saved on wrinkle creams!

I don’t know who this actress is, but she gets me! My life mantra… much  money saved on wrinkle creams!

I’m generally a fairly happy person; I guess I just don’t look like it if I’m not smiling or laughing. I don’t have any pictures of my angry face, but I imagine that’s even bitchier.  Is bitchier even a word?? Or is the correct conjugation more bitchy?!?  At this point, I don’t think it really matters.  It was Audrey Hepburn who said, “….I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.” Well Audrey, I might be pretty, and I’m usually feeling pretty happy, but I still look like a murderous bitch. Doesn’t really bug me, I think I generally look pretty cute, bitchy or not! To make matters worse, the Bestie also has resting bitch face… the pair of us out and about is double the scary! We both like to get all glammed up and strut into our bar of choice Beyonce style. It seems to me like we should still be approachable though! Just cuz I tend to throw on heels and fake eyelashes to go to the bar doesn’t mean I’m a bitch. I just like to look fancy while I’m drinking PBR and throwing darts! No wonder I can’t find a man….we are apparently terrifying the poor creatures! Lucky for her, she’s been married to her husband since they were approximately 12. Bitch face on my lovely! 🙂

My bestie sent this to me this morning, she must be psychik.  I really do think that I look cute and happy.  The reality, is apparently a different story.

My bestie sent this to me this morning, she must be a mindreader!! I really do think that I look cute and happy. The reality, is apparently a different story.

I think the most blatant occurrence of my bitch face ruining my man chances happened in Deadwood.  The bitch faced Bestie, my blond Lil B, and I were hanging out at a bar, just having a girl’s night out. Some random cowboy wanders up next to me at the bar to order drinks. I start talking to him about something, I don’t remember what exactly.  Anyway, he orders two drinks, we keep talking and waiting for the drinks. He gets his drinks, grabs both, turns to me, tells me to have a good night, walks around me, past my bitch faced Bestie, and sets a drink down in front of Lil B. She didn’t even know he had been down next to me!! Hahah some girls have all the luck, and that was apparently not a good night to be a bitch faced brunette.