Chapter 13: The Blog I Thought I’d Never Have to Write

I never thought I’d have to write this blog.  I’ve written blogs like this before, but I never thought I would have to write one about this person…..Main Squeeze…..

 

I wrote the title and the first line 2 months ago, and then I just sat on it.  I waited in the hopes of not burning a bridge, I waited hoping that things would change, and we would get better.  I waited thinking that if you had love everything else would eventually fall into place.  I waited thinking that a connection as strong as and instant as we had had to mean something.

I was wrong

For two months I fought everyday to hold on to feelings and a love that I thought could get us through anything.  I knew I couldn’t make him love me, but he swore that he did, and he promised that a life with me was what he wanted.  He was my person, he was the one I turned to to make things better, and even now I just want him to tell me that things will be ok.

For two months I waited.  Waited to feel like I mattered to him again, mattered more than just a text message, or a random phone call.  Waited for him to decide that he wanted to see me, and that things would go back to how they had always been.  In the moments were it all felt hopeless he would talk to me, and we would talk about how we were feeling and how much we loved each other and it felt like we’d turn a corner…….but the corner was never a corner, just a ring.

For two months we talked everyday.  He told me how much he wanted to fix things and that we were going to work on things to be better together.  And for two months I believed him, I trusted that we wanted the same thing, and I had hope that things would be ok.  After one ruined vacation with him, he told me he wanted to go on vacation with my family, and I trusted him.  I invited him to spend time with my family even though I had never met his.

For two months I poured my whole heart into something that couldn’t have been more of a lie.

Yesterday he told me that he’s no longer in love with me, but that he still loves me.  Yesterday he told me that we have nothing in common, because I don’t love sports the way he does.  Yesterday he told me he no longer could see me in his future, because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship like we had.

In that moment, everything felt like it was crumbling.  I had known things weren’t perfect, and I knew we were nearing the end, but to have it happen all over again was something I just wasn’t ready for.  I had woke up Friday morning knowing that he wasn’t going to come see me for the weekend like he promised. I don’t know how or why any of this caught me off guard and made me feel so helpless, but it did.  To have to listen to him say those things after finding so much comfort the night before in him saying that I was the girl he wanted and that we weren’t fizzling out, it was crushing.

I don’t even know how to feel…..

 

Chapter 9: The Musical Chairs of a Breakup

Post breakup music is an important part of any girls emotional process.  Maybe dudes think it’s important too….idk I’m not a boy. Sometimes though, finding the right song or artist can be a huge battle.  Besides having the inner turmoil of the split, you may also be faced with hard existential questions like, “I’m old, why do I feel like TSwift!?!?  I just want to be Adele!” and “Am I sure that these lyrics really get me…..like emotionally right meow!?!?”  The struggle very, very real.

Anyone who knows me….or has even been around me with a radio on….knows that I loathe TSwift.  Loathe is maybe a bit strong, I mean I won’t always change the station when she comes on, and I will occasionally sing along.  Her songs are just so damn catchy…..but sorta stupid……!

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I don’t really want to hate, I just keep hoping that her songs will mature.  Case in point, I really had some good feels about this one——

He’s so tall, and handsome as hell.  He’s so bad, but he does it so well.  And when we’ve had our very last kiss, my last request is this…..”  – Wildest Dreams

…..heard that and it made me think…..“Gee self, that’s kinda how I feel about the ATC….and then the song goes on……

……Say you’ll remember me, standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset.  Red lips and rosy cheeks, say you’ll see me again…..” – Wildest Dreams

NO!!  I’m cutting you off right there TSwift!  Don’t remember me, in fact maybe just forget me, and I for sure, don’t ever….ever wanna see you again…….

I suppose I should give credit where credit is due, the girl pumps out a ton of decent, angsty, teenage girl break up songs.  This is the problem though….she’s not an angsty teenager anymore, and I’m not either!  28 is looming literally right around the corner, it really causes one to want to grow up.  The things that seemed normal when I was younger now just seem exhausting and painful.

I said “I heard, that you’ve been out and about with some other girl?”  He said, “What you heard is true but, I can’t stop thinking about you.” – Style

If a guy is ever ballsy enough to tell you they are also dating someone else….DON’T let that boy take you home TSwift!!  I remember being a stupid, young girl who thought that every jerkface boyfriend was perfect, and if I just put up with it everything would work out.  There’s no reason that we should keep putting ourselves through the pain and drama!  Even if you think you’re somehow coming out stronger….you’re not and the suckage factor of the whole situation will eventually sink in.  Wildest Dream…you’re out!

I get it, the catchy club jamz and what not.  Makes for a good girls night out where all you want to do is drink and dance and forget whoever the asshat was who hurt you.  I’ve been there, on one hand wanting to scream that “We, are never ever, ever, ever getting back together,” however it causes me a great deal of post quarter life crisis stress.  Sooner or later I’m gonna have to start handling this nonsense better than this!

When you wanna be all cool and angsty.....

When you wanna be all cool and angsty…..

.....but this is what you think in your head, cuz you're not cool and angsty, you've got bills to pay!

…..but this is where your mind goes, cuz you’re not cool and angsty anymore, you’ve got bills to pay!

This moves us to Adele.  She, like TSwift, writes about break ups sometimes, but her songs are like powerful, and make you want to be a stronger person.  While they aren’t club jams that make you want to dance till your feet fall off, Adele’s songs are deep….it’s like being in AP Poetry at YHS all over again.  Adele is maybe the music you listen to once you’ve danced with your girlfriends and the parties over.  Adele is for when you’re alone, in your bathtub, drinking wine, and finally letting the feels hit you.  Or maybe once you’re a few months removed from the relationship and you’re looking back on all the crap the jerkface put you through.

Adele lyrics like "Use your head, use your head!"

Adele lyrics like “Use your head, use your head!”

But there’s a side to you that I never knew, never knew.  All the things you’d say, they were never, true never true.  And the games you play, you would always win, always win.” – Set Fire to the Rain

….this….this is how I should feel about the ATC!  I just appreciate that Adele has managed to say, in an adult way, that the ATC is a no good fuck boy.  She’s not afraid to admit that someone hurt her, but she’s never going to let them get away with that nonsense.  There will be no taking her home just because they are tall and sexy as hell!  Adele would never write a song called “Trouble” about how you knew they were trouble from the beginning.  Adele would tell that ass hat to go fuck himself…..but politely and in a sneaky sorta way.

I’m educated and well read…..I should have way more respect for Adele’s lyrical prowess!  Maybe the problem is that sometimes when you’re feeling emotional, using your brain isn’t what you want.  Sometimes you maybe just want a stupid pop song about how stupid boys are.  I just want to be an Adele!!!  Classy, put together, articulate about my feelings.  Why can’t I just embrace my inner diva!?  I’ve hosted family holidays!  For Pete’s sake, let’s at least try and keep it together shall we?!?!  Ugh….self….you disappoint me sometimes!  I suppose I should just settle for having the occasional Adele phase where I get all self empowered and enjoy it while it lasts before it gives way to the overarching snarkiness of my life.

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Maybe the solution to this inner dilemma is just to ignore the popular break up music all together?  Maybe the “This song just really gets me” song isn’t one you hear on the radio all the time?  While I do think there is a time and a place for Taylor Swift, Adele, Queen B, Queen Nicki, and all the other female artists that inspire us to embrace the diva within, sometimes the situation calls for something a little bit more bad ass……

On that note, I leave you with my break up song of choice for right now.  It makes you want to dance, and you can yell the lyrics at all the fuck boys in your life and still sound fairly articulate, which is a double win! It goes well with boots and shots of whiskey, and frankly if you’re having to deal with some boys shit….boots are helpful for that!  They don’t call them shit kickers for no reason!